If everyone's got that one fundamental thing they don't understand about the world, it stands to reason that there's one (or many) other things that will make their heads go kind of asplode. I think I have problems with invisibility and/or replacement/abandonment/uselessness. It's probably easiest to describe the invisibility thing as it feeds into the others- the more invisible you are, the more likely it is that you will be replaced, abandoned, or be useless. There's a lot of things I have trouble with, really...I'm kind of terrified of pissing people off and upsetting them and not knowing about it until they leave me. ...Yeah, if you know my history, this kind of all makes sense. Recent history, that is. And I don't mean to say that I blame all the issues I have on what happened with Stefan, just that it brought a lot of issues to light. I had a lot of issues with "the group" that existed ever since freshman year that just got worse and worse. It's not their fault- I have a bit of the only child's need to be independent and do things on my own and self-sufficiency. Well, maybe it doesn't come from being an only child. Maybe it just comes from being an unpopular kid. Gotta look out for number 1, you know. Other people won't always be around. Learn to fend for yourself.

This is probably the point where a psychoanalyst would probably start asking me questions about my childhood, and I suppose I could lay some of this at the feet of my parents- but then again, whose parents haven't kind of colored and fucked up peoples' idea of what relationships are like? I suppose it all makes sense, in a sort of way- only unpopular kid of divorced parents...yeah, I've got abandonment issues. But I don't think it's really the reason.

There's a weird interaction between various aspects of my personality. On the one hand, I'm insecure and want people to pay attention to me and get upset when I get ignored. On the other hand, I also display a very brash, self-confident side sometimes...and then others, I'm just very quiet and reserved because even though I want people to pay attention to me, I don't want to seek it and impose myself on other people. I suppose it's really rather selfish of me- I want people to pay attention to me, but I don't want to have to put myself in a place where they would pay attention to me. I'm a lazy attention whore.

So I guess that's where the problem with invisibility comes in. It's feeling like I don't matter, like I don't affect other people's lives at all...like I could disappear tomorrow and not be noticed. It's irrational, I know. There are people who would notice my absence, but like many irrational thoughts, it's not the people who would miss me that are important, it's all the people who I think wouldn't. I don't exactly lack precedent- I seem to have disappeared from "the group" pretty damn thoroughly. The only links I have to it now are a few one-on-one friendships, and even those don't really acknowledge my prior 'membership' without some prodding. Alienation. Yeah, that's another one.

I don't know if it's unusual how I can probably at least point a pretty firm finger at what various reasons I have for the various issues I have, but...I guess here I am. I know why I do what I do, even if I can't keep myself from doing the more harmful bits of it. So I know why I spaz out and nearly cry at work after being ignored in a coworker's nightly rounds around the office, saying goodnight to people in our group, and I know why I sit in a corner at parties and watch people having a good time and envy them. I know why I envy people who end up hooking up like crazy at cons and parties, but won't go and introduce myself to anyone. I know why, despite having a boyfriend I care about deeply, I'm still not sure I ever have or ever will 'fall in love'. I know why I constantly pester (and probably slowly) drive away the few friends I have left form that group in college by talking about myself and the less-than-pleasant events of our last year together at school. I know why these things happen, but I don't feel that I can stop doing them. It's like how, despite everything, despite forcing my friends to cut me out of their group, and despite how much I know I never really truly fit in well, I still wish I could go back and join them again. It's like how, despite how bad he was for me, and how badly he hurt me, I want to see Stefan again and talk to him and maybe at least put this hurt to rest. It's how I know I'm driving away my friends from college by worrying if they secretly hate me too, but unable to stop doing what I fear is driving them away.

Yeah, I'm messed up. There's a reason I have the Contradictory Cat for my name here. And this is why this blog is here.