If everyone's got that one fundamental thing they don't understand about the world, it stands to reason that there's one (or many) other things that will make their heads go kind of asplode. I think I have problems with invisibility and/or replacement/abandonment/uselessness. It's probably easiest to describe the invisibility thing as it feeds into the others- the more invisible you are, the more likely it is that you will be replaced, abandoned, or be useless. There's a lot of things I have trouble with, really...I'm kind of terrified of pissing people off and upsetting them and not knowing about it until they leave me. ...Yeah, if you know my history, this kind of all makes sense. Recent history, that is. And I don't mean to say that I blame all the issues I have on what happened with Stefan, just that it brought a lot of issues to light. I had a lot of issues with "the group" that existed ever since freshman year that just got worse and worse. It's not their fault- I have a bit of the only child's need to be independent and do things on my own and self-sufficiency. Well, maybe it doesn't come from being an only child. Maybe it just comes from being an unpopular kid. Gotta look out for number 1, you know. Other people won't always be around. Learn to fend for yourself.

This is probably the point where a psychoanalyst would probably start asking me questions about my childhood, and I suppose I could lay some of this at the feet of my parents- but then again, whose parents haven't kind of colored and fucked up peoples' idea of what relationships are like? I suppose it all makes sense, in a sort of way- only unpopular kid of divorced parents...yeah, I've got abandonment issues. But I don't think it's really the reason.

There's a weird interaction between various aspects of my personality. On the one hand, I'm insecure and want people to pay attention to me and get upset when I get ignored. On the other hand, I also display a very brash, self-confident side sometimes...and then others, I'm just very quiet and reserved because even though I want people to pay attention to me, I don't want to seek it and impose myself on other people. I suppose it's really rather selfish of me- I want people to pay attention to me, but I don't want to have to put myself in a place where they would pay attention to me. I'm a lazy attention whore.

So I guess that's where the problem with invisibility comes in. It's feeling like I don't matter, like I don't affect other people's lives at all...like I could disappear tomorrow and not be noticed. It's irrational, I know. There are people who would notice my absence, but like many irrational thoughts, it's not the people who would miss me that are important, it's all the people who I think wouldn't. I don't exactly lack precedent- I seem to have disappeared from "the group" pretty damn thoroughly. The only links I have to it now are a few one-on-one friendships, and even those don't really acknowledge my prior 'membership' without some prodding. Alienation. Yeah, that's another one.

I don't know if it's unusual how I can probably at least point a pretty firm finger at what various reasons I have for the various issues I have, but...I guess here I am. I know why I do what I do, even if I can't keep myself from doing the more harmful bits of it. So I know why I spaz out and nearly cry at work after being ignored in a coworker's nightly rounds around the office, saying goodnight to people in our group, and I know why I sit in a corner at parties and watch people having a good time and envy them. I know why I envy people who end up hooking up like crazy at cons and parties, but won't go and introduce myself to anyone. I know why, despite having a boyfriend I care about deeply, I'm still not sure I ever have or ever will 'fall in love'. I know why I constantly pester (and probably slowly) drive away the few friends I have left form that group in college by talking about myself and the less-than-pleasant events of our last year together at school. I know why these things happen, but I don't feel that I can stop doing them. It's like how, despite everything, despite forcing my friends to cut me out of their group, and despite how much I know I never really truly fit in well, I still wish I could go back and join them again. It's like how, despite how bad he was for me, and how badly he hurt me, I want to see Stefan again and talk to him and maybe at least put this hurt to rest. It's how I know I'm driving away my friends from college by worrying if they secretly hate me too, but unable to stop doing what I fear is driving them away.

Yeah, I'm messed up. There's a reason I have the Contradictory Cat for my name here. And this is why this blog is here.

I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe everyone's got one thing about the world that they just don't, on a fundamental level, understand. Maybe it's "why can't people just see things from another point of view?" or "why do people feel the need to prove themselves right?" or any number of things like that. I'm not sure what my thing is. But I get the feeling that everyone's got something about the world that just blows their little mind.

A theme, it appears.

I think for now I'm going to use this as a testing ground for my "put down what's in my head" project- kind of a Dromeda 101, to borrow a phrase from Juldea. Oddly enough, a lot of the stuff that was in my head and kicking to get out...and the stuff that was driving me to think about writing something like this...a lot of that found its own way out by talking to Kevin and Mike and Holly and generally not caring a whole lot about making sure that other people were doing most of the talking.

In general, it was stuff that's been well-gone-over. Things like why I would go to a different college if I could do it over again, choose a different major, hang out with different friends, that kind of thing. But I have learned something in the process- I enjoy conversations more if I can learn something from them along the way. It doesn't have to necessarily always be the case- I enjoy a good session of just superficiality and re-establishing common interests by way of quoting and rehashing bits and pieces, but I enjoy it more in general if it's more than that. Example: Talking about sci-fi books is good, but talking about the sociopolitical climate that brings about that book is better. Talking about military specs is good, talking about military tactics and what brought about the need for that conflict is better. Talking about anime is good, but giving your own take on a character is better. A lot of what I do is done for social reasons (I don't particularly like doing things on my own where there would be a lot of people I don't know), but maybe more is done for the pursuit of knowledge and learning. My thing for infogathering is to expand my base so I can build more upon it, or stretch it out to further horizons or give new depth to established loci of knowledge.

I probably sound really pretentious about this- but...here I am, I guess. I'm probably more 'what you know' than 'who you know', because my main focus isn't other people- it's knowledge. And the more and broad-reaching, the better.

So that's my first 'real' blog post. Maybe it should be retitled What Drives Me. There'll be more, almost certainly- a lot of emo wangsting about social awkward and ick, and probably some random stuff about things I like (like self-medicating with spicy pho or ramen when feeling sick), but...this can start it.

Hello, world!

So I'm getting tired of Livejournal constantly pulling a new trick every month or so, so here's a backup.

Hello, world!